Living Alone

A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality. ~John Lennon

I have never lived alone, never had a place all to myself, never resided in a dwelling where day after day I would arrive after work or play and be completely alone. A place where I didn't have to tiptoe around for fear of waking someone early in the morning when getting ready for week, a place where I could play my music such that the sound reached every nook, every corner at any time of the day or night. There have been days when I came home to no one, a week or two has passed when the house was mine and mine alone. The longest I can remember not coming home to someone was three weeks but that was a long time ago in the years before I really knew myself. My daughter and her mother went on a vacation for three weeks, three weeks in a far off land during which I could not accompany them because I was new at my job and had accumulated but a few days vacation at the time they went. Honestly, I don't remember one thing that I did during those three weeks other than take a road trip to Easter Tennessee, to the Smoky Mountains.

I have no problem being alone, being on my own. Many of my travels have been of the solo variety. If there is someplace I want to visit but no one else is interested, I will go solo. I enjoy traveling alone because I can do what I want in my time, I can stare at vista, a tree, a rock, the emptiness, the clouds passing overhead while I lay on a picnic bench, for as long as I want without having to worry whether or not my traveling companion is bored, wants to move on. I like traveling with someone too as that allows the creation shared memories, memories that can be triggered with a phrase, a word, a knowing glance. A recollected memory shared again and again, a memory resurrected and returned to via the vehicle that is the imagination.­

My kids are getting older. They are of an age where they could live on their own, if they so chose. It was this reality that got me to thinking that living alone could be just around the corner. This knowledge got me to wondering what it would be like to live alone for an extended period of time, for months, years, a decade, or more. More than wondering what it would be like, wondering if I could be content living alone, if I have the constitution to live on my own and not be incredibly lonely. When someone is always around, the thought of being alone is enticing. When you feel you never have alone time in your own home, living alone can seem like Nirvana. But is it really Nirvana or is it simply a knee jerk reaction to an isolated instance when I am feeling the need for space?

The truth is, I like living with people. I love having my kids live with me. I enjoy staying with my girlfriend at her home in the city on weekends. The truth is, I would rather live with someone than live alone. Not because I fear living alone. I am gregarious. I like the companionship. I like having someone to talk to. I like seeing the smiling faces of my loved ones every day. I am able to live with people, with lots of people simultaneously because I have learned to be diligent in carving out time to be alone when I need to be alone, when I need to sit and mull over my thoughts without interruption, when I need space away from everyone.

I am wired to be with people, I am most comfortable living with people. This may be because growing up I had a big family that was very close so have a great experience living with others. I really don't know. I do know that, given a choice, I would choose living with someone over living solo.