Servant Leadership (Part 2) - Listening

The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them. ~Ralph Nichols

Without a doubt, the most important skill a Servant Leader can carry in his quiver is the ability to listen. The ability to listen to people, to hear both what a person is saying and not saying, is foundational to being a Servant Leader. The words spoken are a minor component in communication. Greater in communication is the tone of voice, greater still is a person's body language which gives voice to words unspoken, turbulence hidden beneath the calm surface of words, reveals if a person is speaking with joy, or angst, or distress, or deception, or, some other underlying emotion wherein lies the true message. Without the ability to listen, a Servant Leader, any leader for that matter, is at a distinct disadvantage in the leadership role because they receive but a tiny portion of a communication on which to make a decision. And making a decision with a sliver of information can be disastrous.

There are two types of listening; Listening to respond and listening to understand.

Listening to respond is akin to listening like a lawyer. The words a person speaks are not explored for underlying meaning, rather they are given superficial thought which serves to end a conversation early, gives ammunition to refute a person's stance or provide a knee jerk response.

Listening to respond was my default listening mode for many years and is one I still fall back on all too frequently. I used to pride myself in never losing an argument. I viewed many conversations as a competition and would continue talking until I won then I would gloat internally....probably externally too. Typically, when I am in mode of responding, I am more concerned about myself, my time, my feelings, my point of view than I am interested in anything the person has to say. If someone is not interested in what a person has to say, it's safe to say they are not really interested in the person, they don't value the person. People need to feel valued to enter freely into open communication. If a person does not feel valued, conversation will be measured; risky ideas, challenging ideas will not be expressed. Important information will be lost and this, for a leader, is unacceptable.

Listening to understand is not sitting quietly where the mind is prone to wandering. It is fully engaged listening, also known as active listening which is very different from listening to respond. Listening to understand requires putting one's own thoughts, one's own feelings, one's responses on the backburner to explore the thoughts of the speaker. It requires asking clarifying questions, watching body language, caring enough about the speaker to gently pull the hidden, unsaid to the surface of the conversation. Active listening is a dance between the speaker and the listener where each step requires synchronized activity by both participants lest the dance cease to flow. Listening to understand is listening with an open heart, is gifting your time to the speaker, showing the speaker that he is so valued you will do whatever is required to ensure you understand both the stated and unstated.

I remember one such conversation in my managerial career. A person reporting to me had an issue with her project lead and wanted me to tell her how to address the situation. I could have told her what to do in a couple of minutes but instead, I listened and probed and clarified and echoed back what I thought I was hearing. We spent two hours exploring options, discussing the impact from multiple angles, and playing out scenarios of the conversation she need to have with her colleague. In the end, the conclusion she settled upon was the same solution I had in my mind when she asked for help.

Was it a waste of my time? No. I believe this one conversation prevented many smaller, future conversations. The conversation validated her feelings, let her know her feelings had value outside of herself. This knowledge gave her a measure of the courage she needed to engage the colleague with whom she had an issue in a difficult conversation. The conversation was a manager investing in an employee which helped an employee develop as an individual. The conversation was a manager growing an employee for the betterment of both the employee and the company which, ultimately, is one of the core responsibilities of a leader.