Challenge of Being First

Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life... as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed. ~Booker T. Washington

I have encountered many people that think it's easy being first, believe that the first get everything, that the first have rose petals strewn before them as they make their way through life, that the first are coddled and favored. I find it rather ironic that the people who make this claim are not a first born child.

There is a concept in psychology called Tabula Rasa which, in simplest form, is that a child is born with a mind that is a blank slate and that everything they become is determined by experience. In regards to personality, the concept is that we are born without a personality and develop our individuality thru experience. Those that follow this field of thought are on the nurture side of the nurture versus nature debate. I believe in more of a hybrid approach. I believe we are born with certain innate character traits that are developed more fully through our experiences in life.

Most of the first born children I know are of the strong willed ilk. We have a strong need for self-determination, to walk a path in life of our own choosing. We tend to choose the path less traveled. Why? Because we want to - to prove we can. I believe God created us that way because we must scythe our way thru life blazing trails for those siblings that benefit from the path we create. He made us strong willed because we need to break ground. We strong willed ones can do great things in life if our will is properly channeled.

I believe we are strong willed because we have to grow our parents as much as they help us to grow. A new parent does not have experience in child rearing. They may have book knowledge or they may have seen others raise children and think that these have prepared them for kids of their own. But, as any parent knows, the best laid plans for child rearing go out the window when confronted with an actual child. So, the first born must have the will to help the parents become parents. The biggest clashes come about when a parent who is a first born must guide his own first born.

My first born was extremely strong willed, a characteristic that was evident from the time she was able to crawl. She exercised this will frequently which served to make her will stronger for a strong will reacts to use in the same way a muscle reacts to repeated weight lifting. It grows stronger. I had the ability to predict the choices she would make in a conflict something her mom never could do. I understood her because we were cut from the same cloth. I understood that it was more important for her to win a battle even if it meant losing the war. I understood because I had made the same choices many times in my life. She and I had a connection via our wills that few would could fathom.

As she grew, I watched her choices become increasingly troublesome. In her teens, I watched her make choices that I knew would cause her long term pain, choices that I was powerless to change. As much as I tried to coach her to make better choices, I knew she would always walk her own path and would only learn through her own experiences. I watched her have a child at 17 years old. I watched her make choices that would lead to her being thrown out of my home just a few months before her 19th birthday. I watched her live from place to place and, sometimes, have to sleep in her car with her child because there was no home open to her. I watched all this and my heart broke because I knew the only person that could help her was herself.

After being out for a couple of years, she asked if she could come home and go to college. I knew once she set her mind on going to school her strong will would enable her to complete the task no matter what challenges arose. However, I put into place a plan to help guide her in the right direction. I would help her raise her child as long as she stayed in school. Funny thing is, helping her to raise her child paid out many more dividends to me than the time I invested. My grandson and I are now the best of friends.

My first born graduated college. She had two interviews after college and both made her an offer for a job. She is now a High School Spanish teacher. Her strong will helped her to complete college while simultaneously raising her child and playing college soccer. I believe she would have been much less likely to graduate had she not been born with her strong will.

I am proud of her and proud to say she learned to channel her will into making effective decisions. I would like to think I helped her come to this point but I'm not sure that is true for a first born typically has to come to growth of their own accord. I wish, in my life, that I had learned to channel my strong will as quickly as she has. If I had, I am sure I would have experienced much less pain in my life.