Some investments are made with the hope of personal gain such as a college education or purchasing stock options or spending hour upon hour pumping iron at the gym. Other's are made not for personal gain but for the benefit of others. These tend to be selfless investments rooted in love such as when one embarks upon a mission trip to aid the suffering in strife torn part of the world. For me, the most personally rewarding of all investments is the one I made in my children. It was an investment that required years of sacrificial love, an investment that has realized and is realizing priceless, intangible rewards. I was 25 when my first child, the first of three, nestled in my arms. That was more than half my life ago. I have now lived more years with kids than I have childless. I have had kids for so many years that I have difficultly remembering what I was like BC, Before Children. The one aspect I do remember is that BC I was an arrogant SOB that cared for little more than my own happiness and saw the rest of humanity as a means to my ends. The result was that I was never really happy. My emotional investment in my kids has paid unimagined dividends in that the investment helped me to become more caring, more loving, more human. The personal transformation has led to me being a truly, happy person.
Despite my mistakes in raising them, and there were many, all three have turned out to be great kids with bright futures. They have grown up to be hard working, industrious, caring people with a keen sense of the importance of family and a social consciousness all which validate that I did a somewhat decent job coaching them into adulthood.
I do believe one of the best things I did in raising them was to rarely tell them what to do in a challenging situation. When they were at a crossroads, they often asked me for an answer. However, an answer is rarely what they received. Instead, we discussed the situation, the options, the benefits and consequences of each option and I allowed them to make the final decision. This is not to say, they did whatever they wanted whenever they wanted. Of course, in matters of personal safety, I did utilize executive privilege and make unilateral decisions.
There were times when they wanted to engage in an activity with which I did not agree. The conversation was frequently along the lines of you can choose to do said activity but know that the consequences of making that choice will see you lose some priviledge for a specified duration. At times, they made a choice that resulted in a sanction. More often than not, they made what I would consider to be the judicious choice (i.e. my preferred choice).
Most situations we discussed were not borne of a situation where they wanted to do something with which I did not agree. Most were real life situations with friends or school or other activities where they had two or more good options and they had to decide which one they should undertake. Dad, should I play for soccer Team A with all my best friends or with Team B where I will be the only new kid but will learn a lot more?
In such a situation, the pros and cons of each choice from a variety of perspectives would be discussed. Which is more fun? Which aligns with your long term goals? What will you have to sacrifice for each choice? In the end, they would regularly ask which they should choose and my response was always that it was up to them. This way, they always had to own their own choice. Years later I was told they were mad that I would not make the decisions for them but, now, they were grateful because they have the ability to make decisions.
Raising kids this way takes courage. There will always be times when they will make choices which, from experience, we know will end in tears. As parents, we naturally want to protect them from pain and suffering. But this is doing them a grave disservice because, frequently, the greatest personal growth comes from experiencing the consequences of personal choices.
Raising kids this way takes courage because they will make choices that terrify us. At 16, my son decided he wanted to join the Marines. I was against this partly because I was a kid at the tail end of the Vietnam War so had a strong distaste for the military industrial complex and because I was terrified my child would be killed in action. We had challenging discussions about his decision but, in the end, it was his decision, one I believe he made with a solid understanding of his options. His choice was not the one I would have chosen for him. At 17, he enlisted.
During the raising of my children, I never looked beyond them to the next generation, never considered how the methods I was doing would influence how they raised their own children. I am blessed to currently have one grandchild. I am happy to see my grandson being raised with some of the same child rearing techniques I used and that his mom has surpassed my skill level in many child rearing areas.
The investment my parent's made when raising me has reaped dividends in my children and in my grandchild. I hope I am around long enough to witness the dividends in the lives of my great grandchildren.
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